Holding Onto Memories

Posted on Fri Mar 6th, 2026 @ 4:00am by Captain Rylan Gray & Lieutenant Commander Harrison Knox
Edited on on Thu Mar 19th, 2026 @ 5:01pm

2,384 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Wolf in the Fold: Hide and Seek
Location: USS Thunderbird | Deck 2 |Knox's Quarters

Harrison Knox’s quarters were quiet. Too quiet. He had been lying on a small sofa, eyes looking up at nothing but the decking above him, what essentially was his ceiling. His stomach had been rumbling for food an hour ago, but he ignored it. By now, the sensation of being empty was something he had grown used to, not because he was intentionally starving himself, but because he was just so disinterested in food lately. He ate only when he absolutely had to, and there was just no enjoyment in it.

The silence of his quarters was not the comfortable silence of a duty shift finally ended, but the hollow kind... the sort of silence that pressed into him, and was a constant reminder that he had nothing to do except duties, and after his shift ended, he had nowhere to go but home to his quarters to repeat this process day in and day out. The starship’s ambient hum faded into the background, eventually becoming unnoticeable. He sat upright on the edge of the small sofa, elbows on his knees, staring at a PADD that he hadn’t actually read in nearly two hours. The display screen had long since dimmed to a black abyss.

He looked up to the empty chair that was across from him. Rylan Gray used to sit there. Sometimes at least.

The thought came unsummoned, uninvited, and it was not warmly welcomed. It was sharp enough to make Knox inhale. Ryan's presence in that chair diminished sharply after Knox's blunder of an away mission, only briefly had Rylan started to return to the chair until he left the Thunderbird completely. Now, Rylan Gray was Knox's former Commanding Officer and their friendship? That was still something Knox was uncertain about where they actually stood.

Knox set the PADD aside.

He always told himself that what he missed was the friendship. Rylan's confident certainty, and the hours they could spend discussing the good times. Things were certainly better between them in the past when Rylan was First Officer and Knox was just Knox, but memories had a way of being hauntingly nostalgic.

Memories also had a way of awakening more, forcing one to examine things in retrospect and perhaps introspectively. Lately, Knox had nights where he would be lost in a dreamscape and find himself vividly recalling the cadence of Rylan Gray’s voice when he dropped rank and spoke honestly. He could remember the residual sensation of a hand on his shoulder after a brutal mission, reassuring him that he had made it back safely, and that small action always helped ground and steady him. Knox remembered those increased when his wife died. Knox had noticed that things felt differently after Madeline Mayville was ripped from his life, but He just hadn’t… he never did examine it.

Avoidance was a skill that Knox had perfected to a fault. Don't dwell on things. Don't overthink things, and feeling things was almost always out of the question unless he was in the privacy of his quarters or with Maddy.

He leaned back, eyes tracing the curve of the bulkhead, pulse ticking faster as the realization edged closer. It was not a revelation, not a confession, but an uncomfortable truth brushing against the walls he had built. Whatever this ache was, it was not going away and Rylan's absence was not causing it to dull or fade. Knox would never outwardly admit it, be it scared him. He he did not even have a name for it.

Knox stood and crossed to the console at his desk. His fingers hovered over the controls. Rylan was no longer aboard the Thunderbird, no longer his captain yet distance, Knox knew, was relative. Even A few millimeters could make a difference. A few millimeters to the right or left could have saved several lives that were once crewmates.

“Computer,” he said quietly, “open a subspace channel.... recipient Captain Rylan Gray.” Knox straightened in the seat he had taken, steadying his breathing, but his heartrate was nervously thumping. The screen flickered, and Knox waited.

[In the Very Heart of London]

Recovery was a slow process requiring a type of patience that was often in short supply. Especially for Rylan Gray, formerly captain of the USS Thunderbird, and now a recovering victim of an attempt on his life. Recovery wasn't easy. Patience was harder. Still, they would be hunting his would-be murderer. It didn't have to be him that did it though a part of him wished it was. He was, after all, a starship captain. He solved problems. He didn't push them off on someone else. Still, when a walk in the park exhausted him, there wasn't much he could do.

Starfleet had visited of course. Talking to him about what he would do next. Did he want to return to the Thunderbird? Did he want a new ship? The Standing Bear was in need of a captain -- and there were things that needed doing out there. Science and exploration starting with an alien vessel that was recently discovered. A team was being assembled and the Standing Bear, currently in for retrofit, would be ready at about the same time that he was. Would the Captain be interested?

Truth was, he didn't know. Hadn't decided. He sat in a wing-backed chair, cup of hot tea near to hand, staring into the flames that undulated within the very old fireplace that dominated a room lined with shelves upon shelves of books. Lost in thought. Weighing options.

"Sir," Henri said as he entered the room. Waiting to be noticed was an exercise in never getting noticed. The young and decidedly temporary hire had figured that out early on. "You've got a call coming in from the Thunderbird." He was dressed neatly, professionally, though his curly blonde hair defied his every attempt at decorum and he waited, hands folded in front of him, for the captain's answer.

"Thank you, Henri," Rylan answered as he rose, slowly, from his seat. "I'll take it in the study. If you could get me a fresh cup of tea?"

"Certainly, Sir," Henri answered. He stepped back, as Rylan passed, and busied himself cleaning up before heading into the kitchen to make the tea.

Rylan took a seat behind his desk and took a deep steadying breath before answering. Erik Norsgaard was a competent, capable commanding officer. He wouldn't need help and the rest of the crew had made no effort to reach out. That left one individual. So, he prepared himself and finally, said, "Computer, accept call." He waited patiently for the Starfleet logo to disappear and in its place, the visage of Harrison Knox appeared as expected.

"Yes," said Knox. "I am calling you again. Hopefully you are not tired of it yet," he added with a small smile. It was nice seeing Rylan again. He was genuinely interested in hearing how things were going. "Everything is going alright. This is a personal call. I wanted to check in to see how you were doing?"

"Well enough," Rylan said. He turned as Henri entered, smiling warmly. "Thank you, Henri." He pulled the cup of tea closer and leaned back in his seat with a soft sigh. "A bit impatient with the process though the doctors assure me that I will recover fully. How are things with you?"

Knox was glad to hear Rylan was on the mend overall, but reluctant to poke and prod about his future career plans. Whether or not returning to Thunderbird was in the cards seemed unlikely with how acquainted Captain Norsgaard seemed to be getting. "Good, then you'll be gallantly exploring the stars in no time," stated Knox. He was careful not to suggest anything other than optimism.

"Thunderbird is doing alright. I'm... adjusting" said Knox. "Captain Norsgaard is fine, its not that. I have found myself fixated a bit on the past. My social activities have fizzled out a bit."

"Fixated," Rylan asked. "How so?" He took a sip of tea and set the cup carefully back on the saucer as he waited for Knox to respond.

Knox tried to see his moves in advance like chess, but he almost always found himself in check repeatedly until the inevitable happened, Rylan won. "How things were... back when I just had tactical to worry about and you were leading the away teams. Making sure you and the others were safe and trying to beat you to every doorway and entrance before you set foot into the unknown. Not that you let me very often."

He remembered those days. Remembered how good it felt to be in the thick of things rather than always sitting on the Bridge ... waiting. He remembered how impulsive Knox seemed at times, rushing to get there first, but always, one hundred percent in his corner. It had been a surprise, a shock really, when Knox admitted that he had taken advice from a former captain and left him (Rylan) out of the loop completely. Healing had given him time to think and somewhere along the line, he realized that he Knox hadn't been as ready as he was for the new challenge. And it was to that point that he spoke next.

"Things changed once I made Captain," Rylan said, nodding to himself. "And I don't think you were ready for the additional responsibilities. I'm sorry for that. I should have realized you needed more time."

Knox shook his head "No, you don't owe me an apology for anything, Rylan. It is true that I wasn't ready, but even so, I fumbled an opportunity that you gave me... or rather made happen for me" replied Harrison Knox. "That's on me. It was a baptism by fire and I did not rise to the occasion. The additional training helped, but I did not fully grasp what was needed until I was forced to take command of the Thunderbird uncertain if you or the others were going to pull through."

"And now," Rylan asked as he took another sip of tea. "Doing any better? Or still resisting change?"

"I understand more now. So, yes, I am doing better. The only change that I find myself resisting is I have a huge void in my life right now" explained Knox. "It's you shaped. Not as my Captain, but as my friend. As the person I could go to when I needed someone to sit in silence with me, have a few drinks with, and I am not looking to force myself to fill that void with someone else."

Rylan nodded, unsure what to say. and so, covered the moment by taking a sip of tea while he framed a reply and when that didn't come, he sat in silence for a few minutes. Considering. "What you did. That was ... difficult. I'm not sure where that leaves us but I'm willing to give it a go. With what time I have, at any rate."

Knox chuckled a little. "Stop speaking like you are some fading ancient. You're forty, old man. Neither of us may be spring chickens out of the coop anymore, academy days are well behind us, and yes, I know... nothing is certain these days, but I like to think you have plenty of time. If you're willing to giving it a go, I am willing to do what I need to. Have any future plans?"

Rylan smiled faintly. "You misunderstand. It's not that I think I'm dying but rather that I've received orders. Science and exploration vessel. We're due to depart once I pass my physical. Within the month certainly."

Science exploration. That could send you anywhere thought Harrison Knox, thinking about Rylan slipping further and further away. "You'll love that" Knox commented. "It's what you were made for. A Science vessel out there exploring... I admit I still had some small hope you'd be back aboard the Thunderbird, but I understand, and Captain Norsgaard feels at home here."

"I am excited by the possibilities," Rylan said at once. "Starting crew interviews this week and assembling a specialty team. Seems they've uncovered a significant alien find and it will require some extensive investigation." His gray eyes sparkled as he spoke, warming to the prospect of the work ahead. "So, if you'll be in the area, perhaps we can get together before I have to go."

Knox smirked. "I have been hoarding some leave time. It would be a shame not to use it up before you leave, heading off to who knows where." Harrison thought about it. "I would like to see you. For old times sake."

"Old times sake, "Rylan said quietly, nodding, as he lifted his tea cup in a sort of salute. "Well, you know where I'll be. Knee deep in preparations. Let me know when you get here. I'll take you out to dinner."

Harrison laughed a little. "I will. You know I enjoy being wined and dined," he replied. His version of that was generally cheating on his exercise routine and paying no attention to his usual diet. It wasn't a fancy meal with wine, it was bar or tavern food with some beer or liquor, but synthale would have been just fine. "I'll see you then."

"See you then," Rylan answered. "Gray out." As the communication channel closed, he leaned back in his seat, more tired than he cared to admit, and closed his eyes. Patience with his body, while he recovered, was not something at which he excelled. Not that he tried particularly. And so, he sat there, and mentally reviewed what he needed to be doing. While he tried to firmly set the problem of Harrison Knox to one side, the man crept back in. One time good friend. He'd been very wrong about the man's abilities. Who knows? Maybe, he thought, Knox is right. Old times' sake. Not so much a renewal but a more neutral good-bye.

Knox sat there after the channel was closed pondering. He had an opportunity to see Rylan again, maybe for the last time. He was not going to mess it up.

---

Captain Rylan Gray
Commanding Officer
USS Standing Bear

and

Lieutenant Commander Harrison Knox
Executive Officer
USS Thunderbird

 

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